Shit You Should Know

Swedish Connection

You know that 30 seconds when you first wake up after a big night? You’ve woken up but you don’t think you’ll be capable of processing whats on the other side of sleep crusted, smoke stained eyeballs. Nothing’s real until you finally open your eyes so you try and keep them closed for as long as possible.

He yells again. This time with vehemence.

“Dude, wake the fuck up!”

I open my eyes and use all my jedi mind powers to toss my roommate out of my apartment window whilst crushing his larynx.

Me-“Pleassefuckoff”

Him-“Where’s the rent money?”
Me-“On the kitchen like always, now please fuck right off”
Him-“Man it’s really not there, you sure it’s not somewhere else?”

Me- ” Definitely there. Get me panadol”

Him -“Did you bring someone home last night?”

Me-“PANADOL. No, I’m fairly sure I’d remember if I….Oh shit”

The cool damp realization hit me, as images of the previous night started coming back.
…

I was playing at some shitty club near my apartment. I couldn’t beg borrow or steal a companion to come and get drunk with me so I went solo. Going to night clubs on your own is for date-rapers and … well i can’t think of anyone else that would go to a nightclub on their own so yeah only date-rapers. But if I had to go solo that meant one thing. I was getting drunk. Seriously drunk.

I played for 3 hrs ish to a crowd that would have been better fitted as insulation in a Auschwitz gas chamber. So asides from judging the prepubescent fist pumpers and females that left fluorescent fake tan trails across the crowded dance floor, I had very little to do to entertain myself. Except drink of course. And that I did.

It progressed from pints, to jacks and cokes to double jacks and cokes to tequila and somewhere around there it gets a tad hazy. Along this path of self destruction I met someone that I didn’t completely loath on sight. She was blonde, had a euro-trash haircut and lo-and-behold whispered “Hello” in that oh so attractive Swedish lilt. Stevie Wonder couldn’t have sung it better. We were going home together, there was no competition in sight and I was pissed as parrot with more confidence than aboriginal in a court case.

So, the club closed and my nonsensical whispers of sweet nothings must have won her over. I probably told her I was the only heir of some oil tycoon with a penthouse apartment and a porsche but I actually remember none of what was said or even what her name was. Prince Charming incarnate.

I do remember getting back to the apartment, stumbling through the door towards my bedroom. The clothes were off in flash and then I slowly take off her panties and then…..

…nothing.

The whole night plays out before my eyes in the exact moment that I realized that I am soaking wet in bed while my roommate looks down with his judging eyes. It’s at this point that the proverbial currency falls. I am swimming in a giant puddle of my piss. I can only assume that I’ve blacked out my lovely Swedish guest mid coitus and then in the throws of passion…started snoring and pissed all over/in her.

She must have then evacuated the water bed in disgust to tried to vent her anger. Once I’m out there is nothing that will wake me so after discovering this fact she would have looked to perform her vengeance elsewhere and stole my rent money but nothing else. In reality I would have done a whole heap of fucked up shit if some bitch passed out and pissed in my bed so I got off lightly. Moral of the story? Don’t go drinking alone. 

Dates.

This is a tough one…
Whether it has been 6 weeks since you have gotten laid or you just feel it’s time to settle down for a while before everyone you know hates/wants to beat you up sometimes you have to take the plunge and go on a date. I know, “Erroneous” the crowd yells but occasionally getting so drunk that you’re confident bordering on obnoxious, and that the lucky lady in the Supre dress has jumped from a 4 to a 7, isn’t enough.

But never fear, not all dates have to be lame, awkward and boring. Here are a few examples of do’s and dont’s.

The Movies: dude, seriously are you still in highschool? is Mum picking you up after so you don’t have to get the bus home in the dark? I don’t care if the latest rehash of transformers has been released with a hotter and (if possible) less talented actress playing the female lead, this will not help you get a second date. Not only does it let her know that you’re devoid of any intelligence or culture but it’s already a forced awkward situation with little to no interactivity and zero chance for conversation. Save Transformers for high times with pals, or after a lengthy day honing your Warhammer skills.

Dinner: ok so this is most people’s stereotypical version of a ‘date’, piece of cake. Wrong! There are infinite things to consider/worry about. Choice of restaurant, who picks who up, what time, where, who pays, does she eat seafood?! If it’s a first date and you take her somewhere fancy, granted you may get some dessert once you get home, but where do you go from there if you don’t lock it up, let alone you’re now stuck eating mi goreng for the rest of the week? And it sends all kinds of messages which will end up in the cancerous “I have to ask you something” question of all relationships. I advise steer clear of all main-meal dates, at least until you’re sure you actually like this person and/or you have no other choice. Lunch dates are a much better idea! No pressure, they’re cheaper, they’re way more casual and it takes the idea that you just want to take her back to yours and do the no pants dance. Even better is breakfast! if you can get a girl to meet you for breakfast you instantly stand out as someone interesting.

Other awesome date ideas:

Carwash: Its spontaneous, funny and a forced period of time where you have nothing else to do but actually talk. If you’re as interesting as an episode of Bondi Vet then maybe this isn’t the best option for you.

Service Station: (possible post carwash) Have a 50$ budget that must be spent in a servo. Apu will probably look at you strange but it’s funny as fuck and you could end up with some cool shit. Also where better to eat the snacks, wear your flame sunnies and shit beanie, and watch “Con Air” than back at your/her place. winner.

Drive In: so 80s and cliche but I think it would be awesome. Oldschool movies, Newschool morals.

Banana Pancake

When a girlfriend, significant other, fuck buddy, etc. sits on your lap at a crowded social event or in an automobile, and manages to compress your penis. Flattening it into an uncomfortable and unorthodox position.

Judging People Via Facebook

Let’s face it. Facebook is the crack of the i-generation. Imagine a world where people couldn’t follow your every move, ‘like’ ‘poke’ and ‘comment’ on all your ‘original’ thoughts and lame home-made modelling pics? I shudder to think… BUT in this technologic age of dependency there are some plus sides to every joban that shares their privacy with the world. Here’s some sure fire ways to judge people from the comfort of your own home, You don’t even have to go to Northbridge anymore to feel better about yourself!

Profile Pictures.
This one’s quite obvious. If you post pictures of your new ‘fully sick’ ride you’re a homo and belong on the cast of Jersey shore, no questions. Same goes for the plethora of topless, tensing and worst of all gym photos. Who has a camera at a gym? It’s very easy to judge females too. Paying a friend with an SLR to take photos of you at the beach does NOT make you a model. Dooshebag yes, Model no. You can pick all the ‘too cool for facebook’ kids with artsy pictures or random blog photos… kinda guilty.

Privacy.
A good way to judge someone you’ve only just met or potential friend. You’ll find that the majority of girls yearn so hard for adoration that they’ll happily let any pedophile get worked up over their sexy bikini photos. If someones all privated up and shit, whilst annoying when you want to do some serious facebook lurking, is a pretty good judge that the girl has fewer than most deep seeded ‘daddy issues’ and fairly less likely to be a complete headcase.

Friends.
No one has 3000 friends. If you could name me 3000 people than you know I would bow down and cop a big hairy one in the face. Having an entire page of “Hey, thanks for the add have we met?” is a definate way of knowing that you’re a attention seeking loser and although you have 3000 “virtual” friends you’ll definitely be sitting at home with your best friend redtube on a Friday night. Oh and if you hide your friends you obviously have more than you’d like anyone to know and judge you over…

Status’s (statusi?)

Ok I get it, you have an opinion. But seriously you can’t have an opinion on everything and realistically I couldn’t give a fuck what some guy I sat next to in primary school thinks about the war in Iraq or live export. I’m sorry! I also don’t care that you’re going to the gym/mum’s/your amazing boyfriend and it’s your happiest 4.5month anniversary. Ok so you want to convey to your devoted minions that you go to the gym alot but they can already see it in your profile pic of your bicep tribal.

and last but most definitely not least…

Lame Fanpages
I don’t understand this, it baffles me BUT there is some good. It’s a great way of filtering out the people that you don’t need in your life. Hurray for facebook! Ok I better go see how likes I got on my latest witty comment….

How NOT to get girls

After countless hours spent in dark seedy rooms with sticky floors, tacky music and more idiots than an episode of jersey shore, I have learned a few things. One of these things is how NOT to get a member of the opposite sex to play a little game called “just the tip”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels.

“Dance Circles” and dance moves in general - no matter how good you are at ripping off Michael Jackson in the 1982 global hit “Thriller”, this will not equate to a female wanting to go home with you. Ever. Leave the dance moves to Travolta because you just look like an absolute booshdag.

The Slippery Slope - Don’t get me wrong, I love getting drunk. Alot. BUT there’s a difference between dutch courage and dutch dickhead. It’s a very slippery slope to walk and we’ve all been down it. And although taking your pants off will impress your friends, it won’t be impressing any girls. It also doesn’t impress the hired gorillas. They certainly frown upon it. Also it’s pretty hard to convince someone to make the best mistake of your life when “Hi attractive girl, how are you on this fine evening?” comes out as “SsoohowsaboutmeandYougoSsomewherespeshal”

Group messages - Its 4am on a Thursday morning, you’re going home alone, what better time to message every girl in your phonebook. Unfortunately, not every girl is patiently waiting by the phone at obscure times of the morning for “hey, What ares Youu doinn?”. I know, it sucks.

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5 reasons to grow a beard

1. Every human-form messiah and prophet I can think of had one, Chuck Norris included. Imagine how many chicks frothed on Jesus back in the day AND orgies were totally ‘in’

2. The extra face foliage adds rugged mystique and also helps conceal your identity when dealing with boarder security

3. You instantly appear to be a successful musician/artist/actor

4. If you still look like you have a Harry Potter collection under your bed and are secretly waiting for the day quidditch becomes a real sport, A beard can add a few years.

5. If all your dreams come shattering around your ankles in a weekend of excessive time in Narnia and you lose your job, you can always don a flanno and become a lumberjack.

Drinks that make girls think you’re classy

So you’ve managed to coerce a nubile young female into joining you for the age old tradition of letting you get her drunk enough so it’s socially acceptable to be taken home. Good work. Now you’ve got the dilemma of what to drink to prove you haven’t just arrived in a commodore and you’re not taking her back to the metal shed you call your ‘bachelor pad’ in mum’s backyard. Choices:

Any Single Malt Whisky - tastes like shit, costs heaps but makes you look cool as fuck if you can pull it off without gagging and spewing on yourself. 3/5

Cafe Patron - coffee flavoured tequila. Taste’s good, costs a fair bit. bitches get drunk. You look classy. Can do a shot each to get the ball rolling or have it on ice to be a roller. 4/5

Wet Pussy - you’re a homo and the chances of you scoring are equal to that of michael jackson releasing another #1 hit. have redtube ready. 0/5

Port - you’re really alt. chicks wanna come home and pose nude for your blog. winner. Tastes kind of ok.  4/5

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